Dear Bully
1:48 PM
I've definitely forgiven my bullies, even the one who started it all (she's the center of it). But forgiving someone doesn't make their actions 'ok'. Forgiving helps the survivor heal and have the life they deserve without hate and pain. As much as I wish I could forget those days, I can't. They'll be with me always but now in a more positive way. This is an opportunity to not just share my story, but maybe provide the hope and comfort I longed for in those days.
This in no way means I am perfect. I'm human and I've made mistakes, I've said mean things before out of anger, hurt and bitterness -- it's human. We've all done it. What matters is getting back up from those moments, learn from them and move forward. It's honestly something I hope my bullies have done. I hope they've forgiven themselves. I hope they've learned from their mistakes and maybe pass those lessons onto their children.
Slowly but surely, I'm trying to get in touch with more anti-bullying campaigns, and one thing I've read a lot are letters from victims to their bullies. This is something I've been wanting to do and perhaps it's something I should do....just to get it out of my system. So here it goes:
Dear bully:
I could easily direct this letter to all the bullies I've faced during middle and high school but you were the center of it. The person I found myself most angry at, most bitter towards and the direct source of my pain, was YOU. You lit the match and you ignited a fire, and instead of trying put out the flames, you just stood there and watched. As everything slowly burned down, you just stood by as if someone wasn't about to suffer from the wounds and scars left by the flames. All the opportunities, all the chances, all the damn time you had, you could've put out the flames. I was left to pick up the burnt pieces and was expected to just put the pieces back together. As if it all looked and felt the way it did before you lit that match.
I don't know what I did to you. I barely knew you. I only knew your name and that we were in the same grade, and that I was best friends with your friend. I guess that was the issue. Somehow you couldn't handle that and I never understood why. You and your little group always tried to tell us to stay away from each other. You'd shout things at us in the auditorium in the mornings before classes started if her and I were sitting with each other. We didn't listen to you. We remained friends and I guess that's when you decided to do something more drastic. You decided to spread a rumor. Did you realize what that very action would cause? Did you think it would just go away and not be a big deal? Perhaps it would stop us from being friends and you'd get your way and everything would be better for you, right?
No. That's not what it did at all.
Because of your choice, my. life. was. ruined.
Because of your choice, I couldn't walk the halls of my school without the fear that perhaps that would be when the bullying would escalate to being physical.
Because of your choice, I sat alone at the lunch table while students snickered and sometimes even threw food at me. One time, a girl literally prayed in front of me because heaven forbid she had to sit next to me and didn't want me to make her gay. Yes, YOU did that.
Because of your choice, I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to get rid of the pain so bad you nearly drove me to the very edge of making such a horrible decision. But in the place I was in during those moments, death seemed peaceful. I'd be pain free. No more suffering.
Because of your choice, I went through so much darkness, so much struggle. And for why? You couldn't handle some jealousy that I was friends with your friend.
How long did it take for you to come up with such a rumor? Five minutes? Five minutes lead to YEARS of me struggling with being me. Because of your choice, not only did I suffer from bullies in school but I suffered from being my own bully. For years after this, I constantly bullied myself. I believed I was worthless, I believed I was a mistake. I truly believed no one loved me and I didn't deserve such love. I wasn't enough. I didn't trust anyone. If someone loved me, I wondered why. How sad is that? To be shocked, surprised when someone actually had something positive to say about you.
It took me years to realize one thing: you didn't win. You may have thought that as you saw everything burning down and people turning against me, and for a bit, I thought you won too. But now...you didn't. You didn't win at all.
I did.
Now as an adult, I look back. Feeling so much pain during those years, I grew numb. I refused the pain all together because I was so tired. I didn't want to feel it anymore so I ignored it. I put it in this invisible box I had in my mind and I nailed it shut, refusing to re-open it.
But pain demands to be felt. Even when you bury it deep.
Again, I was struggling because of something YOU did. I had to pick up the burnt pieces from the fire you ignited. And as time went on, with help from a few friends and family, and a few amazing people who provided such inspiration, the once charred pieces were finally becoming colorful again. I finally re-opened that box and embraced the pain. Because without pain, you can't have joy. I could never fully enjoy life because of that pain I had locked away.
This is where I won. I refused to let you and that pain control my life any longer. Holding onto that pain and my hate towards you was doing just that -- controlling my life, my emotions, my actions towards others. I had to let go. And it. was. hard. Embracing such a pain is nearly suffocating but it had to be done. Soon my pain was turning into hope. I finally started to love myself. I saw my worth. While I may have torn down the odds you and so many stacked against me and succeeded in all the things so many said I could never do, the best thing I ever accomplished was happiness and self-love. You stole that from me. You stole so much from me. And I've finally allowed myself to feel such emotions. No longer letting you hold them captive.
My pain, my experience gives me an amazing opportunity to share my voice and my story. Bullying still exists and it's even getting worse with social media. Now is the time to start sharing our stories. Instead of looking back at my past with such anger and hurt, it's now a positive. Something I can use to help others.
You have a story as well. You did what you did because of something you were struggling with. I have no clue what that is/was. But you weren't an awful person. You were most likely dealing with your own pain as well. You couldn't handle it all so you inflicted it on me and probably a few others. I could hate you, and at one point, I did. I once wanted bad things to happen to you. That's what anger does. It makes you think awful things. But now, I don't hate you. I do forgive you. I just wish I knew your story.
I have no idea where you are today. I don't know if you're still living in our hometown or if you've moved away. Perhaps you have kids and you're married. I really don't know. But I do hope that one day you'll think back that one decision you made and not feel shame or hate towards yourself, but maybe tell your story. Because hearing both perspectives -- the bully and the victim -- is where change will happen. And maybe then, you'll win too.
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