A Girl Like Her is a film made to look like a documentary. While Avery and Jessica are fictional characters, there are thousands of Avery’s and Jessica’s in this world. Jessica and Avery were once close friends, and what seemed to be a harmless misunderstanding between the two, Avery was now Jessica’s constant tormentor. The movie begins with a very emotional and gut wrenching scene which then it leads the film going from the past and present and you see Avery constantly seeking Jessica out in the hallways, in the locker room and hallway and intentionally intimidating and causing Jessica a great deal of mental and emotional anguish and pain. However, you don’t just see it from Jessica’s perspective, we get a glimpse into the life of the bully. It’s so easy for us, especially once victims like me, to define them as monsters and evil spirited people, but that’s not the case. The bully can be just as lonely, just as hurt, and just as shut out as the victim. Hurt people hurt people and that is what this film focuses on. You see Avery’s home-life, which, from my perspective, looked like a lot of stress, bullying/shaming from her (often selfish) mother directed towards Avery’s brother and Avery’s father, and if you listen closely, you see that Avery deals with great pressure at being popular. Of course at that age, any girl and boy dreams of popularity but with that comes pressure at always being perfect, fake friends who only care for your image but not your struggle and pain, etc. It’s not far fetched that some people who are in that category of being popular often turn to bullying. It’s only a cry for what they feel inside. Perhaps, those who aren’t popular seem to be the happiest and carefree, which could be why Avery targeted Jessica. Avery doesn’t spell this out in the film but if you listen to many of her comments, you can hear her sadness and loneliness. She just wants someone to be here for her and love her for HER. Doesn’t excuse her behavior at all in the film. In fact, the way she treated Jessica made watching the film extremely difficult. But its reality, it was my reality not long ago.

Now, there’s so much to say about the film but right now I’ll focus on Jessica and Avery…

JESSICA, the bullied

I will warn people that the film begins with an attempted suicide. Scenes like this can be very triggering for many, so watch with caution. I really related to Jessica a lot. I saw a lot of myself in her character. She seemed quiet and easily brushed things off because it would get better, right? You could see that Avery’s torment was causing her a great deal of pain but she would refuse to talk about it. It’s funny how when you’re bullied like this that talking about it is SO hard. I can’t explain that wall we build up when we’re being bullied but perhaps it’s to protect us from more hurt and talking about it brings more of that hurt. You tell on a bully, it’ll escalate. You tell a teacher, they will most likely not do anything (because some teachers feel they can’t or don’t have the right) and if they do, it’ll escalate. You tell a parent, they go into mom/dad mode (understandably) and confront the school…again, risking that it could escalate. Not talking about it isn’t the healthiest way but in the moment, it feels like the best solution.

During the bullying but before the attempted suicide, Jessica’s friend Brian gives her a pin that holds a very small camera. She wears it every day and Avery’s bullying is recorded. I liked this idea because it helps gives the audience the viewpoint of what the victim sees. You quickly learn that Avery’s taunts are not minimal but she seeks Jessica like a predator after its prey. Much like my own story, the hallways soon became Jessica’s worst nightmare. While I didn’t have just one consistent bully after me, I could easily remember how it felt in those hallways when the bully approaches. The taunts are like typical girl-on-girl bullying – its emotional and mental abuse. To go through that, It’s. Fucking. Exhausting. I could taste Jessica’s exhaustion in the film. She felt hopeless and she felt worthless. She felt broken into pieces. And she felt the only way to resolve the pain was to take a handful of pills and end it all. How many times did I wonder if those exact actions would bring me the peace I craved for…

AVERY, the bully

Now I could easily say that I have no emotions towards Avery. I could say that she’s an awful person and someone who deserves the absolute worst because of how awfully she treated Jessica. I could say I have no sympathy towards her. My younger self (up until 3 or 4 years ago) would say that, but now I say that I do feel for her. I did feel bad for her as I watched the film. She was hard to watch but there was sympathy from me. While her home life would seem happy on the outside, you could easily tell it was nothing but negativity and stress for her. The mom seemed to degrade her husband and Avery’s brother. There was no physical abuse, but there definitely was some negativity thrown towards the three of them (Avery, brother and her father).

Avery’s school life: Avery makes comments here and how no one understands what’s it like to be her, to be popular. Now, we could easily roll our eyes at that statement and think, “yeah, must be super awful,” but really think about it. Popularity brings its own pressures. You always have to be perfect. Her so-called friends didn’t seem to really care for her beyond her image, and her they quickly turned against her once rumor had it that Avery was the one responsible for Jessica wanting to commit suicide. They must have forgotten they were just as responsible as her. This showed that they never cared for Avery. They didn’t give a shit about her. So Avery must’ve felt lonely. She must’ve felt she had no one who cared…like Jessica did once. Perhaps to her, Jessica seemed to have it perfect -- carefree, a loyal best friend, and no pressure (in Avery’s eyes). That must’ve angered Avery enough to become the bully. She inflicted her pain onto Jessica because how dare someone be happy and not her.

After becoming extremely defensive once the school asked her if she harassed Jessica enough to make her feel as if suicide was the only solution, she was confronted with the tapes given to the “film crew” by Jessica’s best friend. Soon, we see Avery break down and realize that her actions did indeed play a role in Jessica’s attempt. Jessica may have been the one to take the pills, but Avery made her feel that was the only choice. Imagine knowing your actions, your words lead to someone attempting to take their own life?

The film does end with really no ending but I took that as symbolic. Why make it a fairytale ending with Avery and Jessica becoming friends again? Why have it be all forgiven and forgotten? Why end it like a Lifetime movie with the victim confronting the bully and everyone applauding the victim? Yeah that doesn’t happen, and yes there’s a lifetime movie that did this.

Our stories/pain don’t end when we walk out of that school. Our stories/pain don’t end after graduation. It’s years of recovery and healing and forgiveness. Many of us have been forever altered and will never have picked up all the pieces. There are no fairytale endings.

I could keep going about the film but so many parts made me realize there is much more to be done. I want to lend my voice to the hopes of change actually happening. That is why this blog exists. It’s to write my heart out, reach out to others and maybe give them some hope, I want to speak at North Carolina schools about the seriousness of bullying (and I’d love to bring this film with me) and speak of the aftermath we face after the years of being bullied.

It’s not kids being kids.

It’s not a phase.

It’s not as simple as ignoring and walking away, or just simply deleting a message or social media comment (cyber bullying is another post).

It’s deep. It’s serious. Until we give victims and bully’s their voice, nothing will ever change. It’s not just about the victim’s story; it’s about the bully’s story as well. This film helps open that conversation.

Thank you to Amy S Weber for creating and directing this film that shows both sides. Thank you to Hunter, Lexi and Jimmy and the other actors for bringing these characters to life and helping us create change.

You can watch this film on Netflix DVD, iTunes and Amazon (both stream and DVD). The film is not in stores.

I've definitely forgiven my bullies, even the one who started it all (she's the center of it). But forgiving someone doesn't make their actions 'ok'. Forgiving helps the survivor heal and have the life they deserve without hate and pain. As much as I wish I could forget those days, I can't. They'll be with me always but now in a more positive way. This is an opportunity to not just share my story, but maybe provide the hope and comfort I longed for in those days. 

This in no way means I am perfect. I'm human and I've made mistakes, I've said mean things before out of anger, hurt and bitterness -- it's human. We've all done it. What matters is getting back up from those moments, learn from them and move forward. It's honestly something I hope my bullies have done. I hope they've forgiven themselves. I hope they've learned from their mistakes and maybe pass those lessons onto their children. 

Slowly but surely, I'm trying to get in touch with more anti-bullying campaigns, and one thing I've read a lot are letters from victims to their bullies. This is something I've been wanting to do and perhaps it's something I should do....just to get it out of my system. So here it goes:

Dear bully:

I could easily direct this letter to all the bullies I've faced during middle and high school but you were the center of it. The person I found myself most angry at, most bitter towards and the direct source of my pain, was YOU. You lit the match and you ignited a fire, and instead of trying put out the flames, you just stood there and watched. As everything slowly burned down, you just stood by as if someone wasn't about to suffer from the wounds and scars left by the flames. All the opportunities, all the chances, all the damn time you had, you could've put out the flames. I was left to pick up the burnt pieces and was expected to just put the pieces back together. As if it all looked and felt the way it did before you lit that match.

I don't know what I did to you. I barely knew you. I only knew your name and that we were in the same grade, and that I was best friends with your friend. I guess that was the issue. Somehow you couldn't handle that and I never understood why. You and your little group always tried to tell us to stay away from each other. You'd shout things at us in the auditorium in the mornings before classes started if her and I were sitting with each other. We didn't listen to you. We remained friends and I guess that's when you decided to do something more drastic. You decided to spread a rumor. Did you realize what that very action would cause? Did you think it would just go away and not be a big deal? Perhaps it would stop us from being friends and you'd get your way and everything would be better for you, right?

No. That's not what it did at all.

Because of your choice, my. life. was. ruined.

Because of your choice, I couldn't walk the halls of my school without the fear that perhaps that would be when the bullying would escalate to being physical.

Because of your choice, I sat alone at the lunch table while students snickered and sometimes even threw food at me. One time, a girl literally prayed in front of me because heaven forbid she had to sit next to me and didn't want me to make her gay. Yes, YOU did that.

Because of your choice, I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to get rid of the pain so bad you nearly drove me to the very edge of making such a horrible decision. But in the place I was in during those moments, death seemed peaceful. I'd be pain free. No more suffering.

Because of your choice, I went through so much darkness, so much struggle. And for why? You couldn't handle some jealousy that I was friends with your friend. 

How long did it take for you to come up with such a rumor? Five minutes? Five minutes lead to YEARS of me struggling with being me. Because of your choice, not only did I suffer from bullies in school but I suffered from being my own bully. For years after this, I constantly bullied myself. I believed I was worthless, I believed I was a mistake. I truly believed no one loved me and I didn't deserve such love. I wasn't enough. I didn't trust anyone. If someone loved me, I wondered why. How sad is that? To be shocked, surprised when someone actually had something positive to say about you.

It took me years to realize one thing: you didn't win. You may have thought that as you saw everything burning down and people turning against me, and for a bit, I thought you won too. But now...you didn't. You didn't win at all.

I did.

Now as an adult, I look back. Feeling so much pain during those years, I grew numb. I refused the pain all together because I was so tired. I didn't want to feel it anymore so I ignored it. I put it in this invisible box I had in my mind and I nailed it shut, refusing to re-open it.

But pain demands to be felt. Even when you bury it deep.

Again, I was struggling because of something YOU did. I had to pick up the burnt pieces from the fire you ignited. And as time went on, with help from a few friends and family, and a few amazing people who provided such inspiration, the once charred pieces were finally becoming colorful again. I finally re-opened that box and embraced the pain. Because without pain, you can't have joy. I could never fully enjoy life because of that pain I had locked away.  

This is where I won. I refused to let you and that pain control my life any longer. Holding onto that pain and my hate towards you was doing just that -- controlling my life, my emotions, my actions towards others. I had to let go. And it. was. hard. Embracing such a pain is nearly suffocating but it had to be done. Soon my pain was turning into hope. I finally started to love myself. I saw my worth. While I may have torn down the odds you and so many stacked against me and succeeded in all the things so many said I could never do, the best thing I ever accomplished was happiness and self-love. You stole that from me. You stole so much from me. And I've finally allowed myself to feel such emotions. No longer letting you hold them captive. 

My pain, my experience gives me an amazing opportunity to share my voice and my story. Bullying still exists and it's even getting worse with social media. Now is the time to start sharing our stories. Instead of looking back at my past with such anger and hurt, it's now a positive. Something I can use to help others.

You have a story as well. You did what you did because of something you were struggling with. I have no clue what that is/was. But you weren't an awful person. You were most likely dealing with your own pain as well. You couldn't handle it all so you inflicted it on me and probably a few others. I could hate you, and at one point, I did. I once wanted bad things to happen to you. That's what anger does. It makes you think awful things. But now, I don't hate you. I do forgive you. I just wish I knew your story. 

I have no idea where you are today. I don't know if you're still living in our hometown or if you've moved away. Perhaps you have kids and you're married. I really don't know. But I do hope that one day you'll think back that one decision you made and not feel shame or hate towards yourself, but maybe tell your story. Because hearing both perspectives -- the bully and the victim -- is where change will happen. And maybe then, you'll win too.